I really like to write and usually don’t overthink it, but to be completely honest, I am terrified of this post and don’t know where to begin, so there’s no official intro here.
3 years ago my family went through something that turned my life upside down. It was in those vulnerable moments that I completely surrendered to God. I vividly remember being in church and just falling down and crying uncontrollably. It was the closest I’ve ever felt to God, and I haven’t felt that feeling since. It was the most broken I’ve ever felt yet also the most content I’ve ever felt. How is that possible? I remember saying aloud “my life is yours, take what you want”. I have longed for that closeness with God since.
A few months later I took a class through my church called The Difficult Truths of Christianity. It was during that class that I confirmed what I had experienced. I learned that God places “difficult” situations in our lives to grow close with us. To be ONE with us. ONE. And when I say “difficult situations” I mean situations that turn your world upside down. Things like losing a loved one, divorce, depression. Things that are unspeakable to you and literally feel like someone punched you in the stomach every time you think about it. Things that force you to surrender to God. To take this idea further, I learned in the class that we should pray for these heart-wrenching experiences. What? I remember a story told in the class about a woman who was in fact praying for a “difficult” experience in order to grow closer to God and months later, she lost her husband. This blew my mind in that moment and will always continue to blow my mind. I will never be able to wrap my brain around this concept. I’m not to the point where I can pray to ask for something like that. I wish I could, and it terrifies me to say that aloud. I have experienced something that put me at my lowest low (that I didn’t ask for) and because of that, I can speak on that experience and concept. The closeness I felt with God was incredible and something I long for to this day.
Fast forward three years and I have this blog that people read and a design business that is growing at a rapid pace. It’s everything I dreamed of, yet look at me. The me that you probably don’t see. The me that only Parker and occasionally my family sees. I am a mess. One day I am patting myself on the back for this thing I created. I’m on my way to being a GIRL BOSS, isn’t that the dream? I had this dream, and I’m achieving it. I know it sounds like I’m being really hard on myself here. I absolutely am, but bear with me.
On the flip, there are other days where I realize my weakness. It’s all so clear. I realize that I’m chasing more and more for my own glory. I realize I’m giving myself the credit and not God. I realize that this platform is a gift that brings me joy AND pays my bills and it should be used for God’s glory. Period.
But I’ve had so many doubts about talking openly about God on this platform. I’m not trying to be anything professional here. I’ve just been called to talk about God, but why have I resisted for so long? I’ve resisted so long for this reason: I don’t exude God (in my eyes). We have friends that do, and I long to be like them. I admire them in so many ways. I long to live my life for God from the outside in and show others that I do so in a genuine way – in a way that calls others to do so. I love a deep conversation about God with these friends of ours. I love feeling challenged. I love going to our church and suddenly the noise in my life becomes so clear. But then I fall back into my old ways/traps that same week. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t feel like I am good enough to use this platform that people follow and read to talk about God. I don’t feel like I’m knowledgeable enough, and I really fear the idea of coming across as disingenuous when talking about this, resulting in possibly turning someone away from God. That is my biggest fear.
I talk about design (that I’m crazy passionate about) for two weeks and God the next day? I fear that I will sound like two different people. One person talking about design and another person talking about God. I fear that people will read this post today and then the post going up tomorrow about this (crazy good) color story and that people will think I can’t talk about both things on one platform. I know I’m overthinking it.
All I’m really saying is that I’m not going to resist talking about God if I feel compelled to talk about Him. I’m leaving my comfort zone in a way that makes my heart come out of my chest, but in the best possible way.
God has been telling me to use the platform that HE gave me for some time now. The platform that I didn’t start. The platform that He gave me for His glory. So here I am. Maybe I don’t know what to say other than why I’ve resisted for so long. Hopefully that will change.
I don’t think that God is telling me to drop what I have going here. I think that God wants us to have careers that bring us joy. But there’s got to be balance. A career isn’t supposed to be ones whole life. Will I continue to work hard? Yes, absolutely. Will I continue to make goals for myself to grow my business? Yes. Will I continue to struggle with that balance and keeping myself accountable? Yes. But will I also use this platform to openly talk about God because this platform is a gift? Have I been so wrong not to openly recognize that? Yes….yes.
So here I am, someone who struggles with anxiety and handing over that anxiety to God. Someone who is just generally a hot mess. I don’t feel worthy enough to say I’m using this platform to talk about God, but I am. I just rambled on, with no real plot here, but it did come from a very vulnerable place, that’s for sure. I just want to start a conversation, really. My hope is to connect with people over faith. To share my own struggles and relationship with God in hopes that it will bring someone else closer to God.